On Bent Knee: Whose Job Is It To Propose?

(Editor's note: This post was originally published on Levo League.)

Snow falls as your Central Park carriage glides away. The guide winks at you, hurrying the horses from what he knows is about to happen. It was already such a perfect evening – full of fanfare, dinner, and candlelight – but the best is yet to come. Your moment has arrived, the one every woman dreams of. And as you look in his eyes and slowly get down on one knee…

Wait…what?!

Why am I getting down on one knee? This is not the way it’s supposed to happen! This is not the moment “every woman dreams of.” He’s supposed to propose! He’s supposed to light the candles and pick the restaurant and choose the ring, not me!

But why?

Rachael D. Robnett, a doctoral candidate in psychology at UC Santa Cruz, and Campbell Leaper, psychology professor at UCSC, wanted to know the same thing.

“As someone who studies gender development, I wanted to know whether there was any research examining marriage traditions,” Robnett explained. “I found several studies that had examined women’s name-change preferences, but very few considered men’s name-change preferences and almost none addressed the topic of marriage proposals. Thus, I decided to conduct a study that focused on women’s and men’s marriage tradition preferences and the link between these preferences and benevolent sexism.”

They asked 277 undergraduates (ages 17-26) about their personal preferences for marriage traditions – who they want to propose and whose last name they want to take. In the study, not one woman said she would definitely want to propose, and not one man said he would want his partner to.

Wh-wh-what? Not ONE woman would definitely want to propose?

“In some ways, it’s unsurprising,” Robnett said. “Gender role adherence is stronger in marriage traditions than it is in most other domains. On the other hand, I would have expected at least a handful of participants to express strong nontraditional preferences. In my other research, there are always people who want to go against the grain.”

According to Robnett, 68.4 percent of men answered, “I would definitely want to propose” while 66 percent of women answered, “I would definitely want my partner to propose.” Nearly 15 percent of men answered, “I would kind of want to propose” and 16.9 percent said, “It doesn’t matter who proposes.”

Among the 141 women surveyed, 22 percent said, “I would kind of want my partner to propose”, 2.8 percent said they would “kind of want to propose”, and 9.2 percent answered “it doesn’t matter.”

According to the researchers, the participants were also asked why they feel the way they do with many men resounding they’d like to propose “because that’s just what men do.” What’s more, only 6.4 percent of women were “very unwilling” to take their husband’s last name.

Robnett said, “The women who were strongly opposed to taking their husband’s last name often said that their name was an important part of their identity and/or a source of pride.

“However, with respect to proposals and surname preferences, there were some people who expressed ambivalence, which I think is important to note. For example, a few women said things like, ‘I’d prefer it if my partner proposed, but I might consider proposing if the relationship wasn’t going anywhere.’ Other participants said things like, ‘It doesn’t matter who proposes or changes their last name as long as both partners are

committed.’”

Okay, okay, we get it. If he likes you, then he shoulda put a ring on it. It seems that everyone feels that way, and not much has changed since the dawn of proposal (which, according to Google, dates back to the thirteenth century). But is that really all it comes down to – adhering to gender roles and tradition?

In her research, Robnett found that tradition is linked to benevolent sexism, the assumption of traditional gender roles in which men should protect, cherish, and provide for women.

“Benevolent sexism – which is similar to chivalry – was not discussed with participants before or during the study,” she clarified. “Basically, a portion of the survey included questions that have been used to assess benevolent sexism in past research. In analyzing the data, it was clear that there was a strong statistical link between participants’ endorsement of benevolent sexism and their marriage tradition preferences.”

Ladies, we all heard it growing up from our nagging mothers and protective fathers: If he doesn’t open the car door or pay for dinner, he probably isn’t worth your time.

Robnett continues, “Specifically, people who more strongly endorsed benevolent sexism were more likely to hold traditional marriage preferences. This suggests that benevolent sexism might underlie some aspects of marriage tradition.”

But let’s not forget, our men heard it growing up, too. They were taught to pay for everything and be chivalrous. The problem is, somewhere along the way, the idea of protecting and providing became more of an obligation and less of a desire. Are we not able to protect and provide for ourselves? If so, is it affecting how we are perceived? How we work? How we propose?

“I don’t think marriage traditions need to be eradicated, but I do think that more conversations about this topic need to occur,” Robnett said. “Adherence to tradition becomes dangerous when people fail to consider nontraditional alternatives or rigidly adhere to tradition just for the sake of being traditional. Historically, that’s often how inequality is justified and perpetuated. But that being said, each couple needs to make the decision that’s right for them. Ideally, each couple will make a reasoned decision about what would work best for their relationship.”

Talk to him and discuss what works best for you both. If you respect the tradition and prefer him to do the asking, then by all means let it be! But if you’re drinking three dollar beers (yes, I’m channeling Miranda Hobbes) on a fall afternoon and decide to put a ring on it, be proud of your decision!

#Gender #Lifestyle #Relationships #Sex #Love